Learn how to heal you as a lonely mom
Are you feeling lonely in your mothering journey?
Loneliness is so painful.
It feels like a nail piercing right through our hearts.
Like you, I’ve been in the presence of my amazing twins, my hubby, family, and friends …yet the gaping whole in my heart only grew wider.
It’s hard to explain, and hard to understand.
I was grateful.
And there was nothing in particular that seemed to be drawing it out for weeks.
The truth is this: we’ve all been there!
In some way or the other.
If you listen attentively, you’ll pick up the truth that is real for many of us moms.
“I’ve just lost myself in motherhood. Since becoming a mom, I don’t really know who I am anymore.”
Contrary to what some might think, the answer to loneliness is not just ‘don’t be lonely.’
Let’s explore more about what causes loneliness in mothers and what can be done to cure it.
What Causes Loneliness?
There are vast differences between day and night, and such is the case when it comes to the root cause of loneliness in mothers.
As we go tough on a few of the most common reasons for loneliness, I want you to consider why you are feeling lonely.
This step is a vital part of overcoming it.
1. Little to No Support as a Mother
We’ve all heard the popular saying, ‘It takes a village to raise a child.’
Whether it’s a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a friend to pray with, or someone to watch baby while you run errands or do something (anything!) that you enjoy.
Lacking this type of support can definitely lead to loneliness.
You may experience this if you’re a single mom, or if you and your hubby have relocated far away from your hometown where you have more support.
But stay encouraged.
Where there is a will to overcome, there is always a way.
2. Lack of Vision/ Purpose
Focusing on ourselves almost seems taboo when it comes to motherhood.
We don’t want anyone to possibly misinterpret our motives or actions as selfish.
So, we give all of our attention to our children without giving ourselves the love and tender care we truly need.
Do you believe you have a purpose apart from being a wife and mother?
Have you reduced your calling in life to diaper changing, cooking, cleaning, and being the one who hardly gets a wink of sleep?
3. Poor Connection With Your Partner
Perhaps you’ve felt as though your hubby just isn’t available as much emotionally or physically anymore. He wakes up, cares for himself each morning, gives you a quick peck on the cheek, and heads for work.
There you are…struggling to get the kids bathed, dressed, fed, and the house cleaned.
You might even feel like he’ll never understand what you go through because he only goes to work while you care for the little ones each day.
Has resentment set in?
4. You Feel Like You’re Missing Out on Life
Did you marry and have children young before you had the chance to really go after your dreams?
Do you ever daydream about having lunch in Paris or starting your own business?
You might wonder how any of this is possible now that your days are consumed with doctor’s appointments for you and baby.
Most days, brushing your teeth, getting a nutritious meal, or getting to and from the grocery store are a dream come true.
Have you made reservations to chase your dreams again once your children become teenagers who can care for themselves?
5. No One Can Relate
Sometimes we aren’t naturally planted around people who have the most in common with us.
Although people mean well, if they have not been in a similar situation to you, they may only be able to offer a hug or an encouraging word.
Not advice. Not a conversation or share how they overcame when facing the same situation.
Generally, single mothers may not be able to understand the pain of having an emotionally unavailable husband.
Or moms who are active and healthy may not be able to grasp the challenges of a mother who is living with a chronic illness of some sort.
Yet, she has to care for her children each day.
You may be searching for at least one person who understands your pain.
6. It’s Hard to Make or Keep Friends
Cultivating friendships not only raises anxiety in children, but in adults too. Sometimes it’s difficult to really connect with people beyond just surface-type conversations.
If you’re not confident making friends, you can feel lonely.
We all need to feel like we have meaningful relationships. It’s not healthy to go through life completely alone.
Loneliness can set in particularly if you spend the majority of your time in your home and don’t position yourself to meet new people.
7. It’s Hard to Spend Quality Time With Friends
How would you rate the quality of your existing friendships?
It’s tough to grow in your relationships when you don’t spend much time together.
The seasons of people’ lives are constantly changing. Hopping on the phone for a 20 minute chat or meeting up for coffee these days is a good idea.
Yet, it’s still a lot to ask as people have to make space in their already full schedules.
You feel lonely, and everyone is too busy to reach out or respond to you. This further compounds those feelings.
There could be even more why reasons you’re experiencing loneliness. These are just a few. Stop again to ask yourself what is causing you to feel lonely.
…Now, let’s explore some healthy ways to overcome these feelings.
Unhealthy Ways to Cope With Loneliness
Because feelings of loneliness are unwanted, we often attempt to drown out those inner thoughts and feelings by keeping busy.
But if we’re not careful, we can end up navigating toward unhealthy coping methods as an attempt to medicate ourselves. ‘Numbing out’ is another way to look at it.
Here are some examples of what I mean:
- Unhealthy addictions (gambling, excessive shopping or eating, alcohol, etc)
- Turning to the opposite sex to fill our need for attention in an unhealthy way
- Isolating ourselves (further leading to depression)
Healthy Ways to Recover
1. Invest In Yourself
I once heard this question posed to a group of mothers. ‘Imagine there was a famine. You had to go out to fight as hard as you could to find food to bring back for you and your children.
You managed to get one piece of bread. Not a loaf.
Once single piece. You were famished and about ready to collapse. Would you give the piece of bread to your child, or would you eat it?’
Most mothers would say they’d give it to their children, without hesitation. But really think about it. If you’re not well enough to care for your young, who will? If you’re gone, who will take your place?
Eating the bread yourself might provide you with just enough strength to get back out there and keep on fighting. This time, bringing home a bit more to feed your entire family.
You’re their warrior!
This thought process can be applied to the loneliness you’re feeling.
If you don’t choose you first, the outcome might be horrific.
2. Reject Toxic Thoughts and Relationships
Toxic thoughts and relationships are quite poisonous. Breaking free is crucial.
The internal dialogue that goes on in our heads can lead us straight for the loneliness trap.
Relationships with people that are mentally, verbally, financially, emotionally, and/or physically damaging should be avoided at all costs.
Toxic relationships take a toll on your health and come in many different forms, including:
- Name calling or verbal put downs
- Reminding you of all of your past failures and weaknesses
- Isolating you from friends and family
- Manipulation
- Blaming you for everything while never taking responsibility for anything themselves
3. Guard Your Words and Mindset
You’re not a victim. Loneliness is something that can be overcome as long as you’re committed to finding what works for you.
If you tend to harbor negative thoughts, it’s time to strive toward optimism. When you feel lonely, it’s all too easy to speak that as your reality.
But don’t do that! Feelings come and go like the wind.
Speak exactly what want. It sounds funny but think of your words as the very thing that gives birth to your reality.
Because it does!
Don’t believe me? Go on Youtube (right now) to watch an incredible study on how words affect water (a study by Dr. Masaru Emoto)! This is going to shock you!
While you’re there, on Youtube check out the rice experiment videos on other channels.
Ordinary rice was placed into three different jars: ignore, love, and hate. You’ll be amazed at how the words spoken over each of the 2 jars affected the rice!
The ignore jar even surprised me.
4. Sun Exposure
Fresh air and sun are a great way to cure loneliness!
And I mean really get sun exposure. Be intentional about it.
There have been times I’ve been in a low state of mind, but it lifted as soon as I went outside and the sun hit my skin.
I don’t mean to come off as cheesy, but this has happened to me many times.
5. Abstain From Things That Make It Worse
You give life to what you ‘feed.’
And whatever you choose to starve eventually dies. That’s why it’s so important to identify the root of why you feel lonely.
Ask yourself, does loneliness come and go? Does it stay for weeks at a time, or just a few days?
What are your thoughts and actions at the onset?
Could there be any connection between the things you think about, dwelling on disappointments, relationship breakups, or you binge watching the Hallmark Channel?
Once you realize what the sources are, you can proactively stop letting those things into your life. If you can’t eliminate them all together, you can change your approach.
Overall, loneliness makes its home in you when you choose to do nothing. Don’t cling to the things that make you feel lonely.
If that means separating yourself from other lonely people, do it.
6. Better Your Health
Your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health all make up who you are, as well as your overall sense of health.
Therefore, it’s critical that you pay close attention to these each of these areas of your life.
Start writing out small things to enhance each element of your health.
Here’s an example of what I mean:
- Mental: speak positive affirmations out loud everyday
- Physical: walking, swimming, playing a sport
- Emotional: break ties with toxic people
- Spiritual: spend time alone with God, prayer, church fellowship
- Creative: sketch, paint, draw, write a book, create or design something
Start by choosing one thing from your list. Make it your goal to master that for one or two weeks.
Then, choose another thing from your list to master for a week or two. Don’t rush. And don’t worry if you miss days. It’s more important to focus on making it a daily habit and priority.
One that you’ll grow to enjoy, rather than see it as just another task puzzle in to your chaotic day.
Be realistic when setting goals for how long you will spend at any given ‘task.’
Chances are, as a busy mom, reading your bible for 45 minutes each morning not be feasible.
So maybe you can start with 10 minutes each morning.
It may not seem like much but it will feed your spirit on a daily basis. You can always add in more time later.
It’s a daily struggle to overcome putting ourselves last, and that’s why this exercise is so important.
7. Add Value to Someone Else’s Life
The saying ‘misery loves company’ is all too true!
Rare it is to come across someone who is lonely who yet chooses to focus on others rather than all of their problems.
Don’t rehearse all of your reasons why you’re lonely, how painful it is, and how other people have what you want.
What do you secretly wish someone would do for you?
Set aside the things they have going on in their life to listen to you, hug you, invite you for tea, mail you a book they read which they loved for you to read?
Despite how lonely you feel, there are others who are just as lonely who would love for someone to care for them in a loving way.
Giving of ourselves has a way of bringing healing, refreshing us, and even putting a smile on our faces.
It doesn’t even have to be large acts of kindness.
Something so small and almost effortless on your part could leave someone else speechless and full of joy. Maybe there’s a mother out there with several children and no vehicle.
Perhaps she is no less lonely than you are, and has no family nearby to give her rides.
Imagine how costly and time consuming it is for her to take public transportation with all of her little ones to and from the doctor and the grocery store.
Maybe you have one day off a week when you could help her run errands for part of the day while you have your family look after your little ones.
Finding ways to help other hurting people around you will always bring more satisfaction than choosing to dwell on any unpleasant circumstances in your life.
8. Get Out Of Your House
Take a drive. Sign up for a class or shop around at your local farmers market.
When you’re feeling lonely, this is the last thing you feel like doing. But you have to push yourself to do what is good for you.
Loneliness wants you to stay cooped up in the house so it can continue to poison your mind with more toxic thoughts.
This brings you deeper and deeper into loneliness, and thus, the cycle continues.
Getting out of your house allows you the opportunity to see other people and engage in conversation.
Not baby talk. Seeing other people smile is also a wonderful way to keep your mood up.
9. Consume Content that Builds You Up
I know I keep saying this, but there is a lot of mindset work involved in overcoming loneliness.
So you need to surround yourself with people that build you up and encourage you to rise up and strive to be your best self.
You can’t be your best self if loneliness is consuming you. Remember, you’re not limited to face to face communication.
These interactions can be via motivational audios, books, videos, workshops, online or offline classes, or anything else that edifies you.
As you filter what goes into your mind, your confidence will increase.
10. Give Effort to Your Friendships
All relationships take work. Your friends and family probably don’t have a wide open schedule. You may not either.
But in order to maintain those relationships, you have to make an effort to stay connected. Don’t let life and motherhood get in the way.
11. Don’t Compare
Ever found yourself sad and depressed as you scrolled through your social media feed? You may have noticed this on at least one occasion.
Did you pause to ask yourself what triggered that sadness in you?
Generally, our natural human tendency is to compare our lives to the next person’s. Even I’m guilty of this.
It doesn’t seem to hurt us in the moment. But truth be told, it is a toxic behavior that breeds feelings of loneliness, sadness, and depression.
Instead, train yourself to reject those thoughts immediately as they arise in your mind.
But even that’s not enough. You must also replace the bad thought with the correct thought of truth.
12. Find a Way to Spark Up Your Life
One size certainly does not fit all here. Taking a walk at least once per was my cure for the loneliness I battled with following my twins’ delivery.
My battle lasted 3 months! But I found what worked for me.
What was that thing you enjoyed years ago that you put away after you became a mom? We all have at least one thing.
It doesn’t have to be a big dream. It could be something as small as playing tennis or writing songs.
Try something you’ve always wanted to do or something that pushes you out of your comfort zone.
Try to choose something that is not mommy-related (playdates, mommy groups, etc…). This is about you, and there is nothing selfish about loving yourself.
What’ll it be? Learning to sketch, juggle, making time to paint on your canvas? Or how about baking or taking that exciting cooking class?
Want to learn Jui Jitsu? What’s stopping you?
It’s these things that will make your life exciting once again!
Let your inner child come out! It’s healthy, not immature. We can’t let life get boring because we grew up.
13. Ask for the Help You Need
None of us would hesitate to seek immediate medical attention if we had a second or third degree burn on our hand.
Or if it felt as though our brain was on fire due to a constant daily migraines. We wouldn’t think twice!
Please believe me when I say that loneliness and constant sadness should be treated with the same level of seriousness.
Mental health and wellness are as real as physical health and wellness.
If, after trying the tips listed above your mood does not improve or worsens, you should reach out for professional help.
Not because you are a bad mom, but because you are a strong one!
As glamorous as the Hallmark channel and Hollywood make motherhood to appear, it never tells the full story of the struggle.
None of us are immune to feeling lonely on our mothering journey. It can come and go.
So, don’t hide…
Reach out for help and welcome support. Professionals are equipped with the tools and resources that may help you get to the root of your loneliness.
To Sum Up
As you can see, there are a variety of options and steps you can take to overcome feeling lonely as mother.
I encourage you to find what works for you!
The longer you can practice these tips, the better.
Hang in there and remember you are an amazing mother and you deserve to be happy.
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